I took a crack at the Yearbook messages &
poem. (As far as I can tell, the only constraints are 14 red
words, 14 blue words, 16 yellow words - we can shuffle the president
grid if needed to make sure that the unused words read from left to
right, and then the coordinates to shuffle anything else.)
Red: Woe! You're trapped in endless loops unable to unite them forever in final bliss
Yellow: To transform their future lives journey back in time and modify the writing on the newspaper
Blue: Words not used will help show what to do
Blue unused: Substitute right with its reflection
Poem:
Reflection on the Future
Trapped in loops in time unable to do right
Will writing in the newspaper help them to unite
You're used to transform back and modify the show
Substitute its final words with endless bliss not woe!
What Journey Lives Forever
Alternate version of the poem:
Reflection on the Future
Trapped in loops in time unable to do right
Writing in what newspaper will help them to unite
You're used to transform back and modify the show
Substitute its final words with endless bliss not woe!
The Journey Lives Forever
What
I like: the red/yellow/blue message are now fully sensible English
(i.e., no "To prosper anew future goals");the meter of the poem feels
slightly better ("newspaper" feels slightly less awkward, and I like
making the last line iambic heptameter); more words are used in two
different senses (journey, lives)
What I don't like: the "newspaper" line in the poem is still weird,
and the "you're used..." line also comes across oddly (they're both
roughly the same as in the previous version; I haven't thought of a way
to alleviate those).
I think the biggest thing is making sure the messages are clear
instructions (and that on both parts the English is at least plausibly
correct).
Two formatting thoughts:
- I strongly vote for not putting a comma after BLISS. To me, it feels very odd in the message section.
- I also vote for not putting quotes around "RIGHT", though I don't feel as strongly as I do about BLISS.
Your reactions?
- Erik
|
|
